


All The Bright Places - Asleep

by ImmediatelyWriting



Category: All the Bright Places - Jennifer Niven
Genre: AU, All The Bright Places Spoilers, All the Bright Places - Freeform, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Angst and Drama, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awake, Bipolar Disorder, Brain, Brain Damage, Bright - Freeform, Brightness, Broken, Colors, Coma, Coma to Vegetative state, Comatose, Depression, Drama, Drowning, F/M, Fanfiction, Finch - Freeform, Flowers, Germ magazine, Heartbeats, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, I Ship It, IC, ICU, Lovely, No Smut, Romance, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Scars, Self-Harm, Sleep, Speech Disorders, Spoilers, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Theodore Finch - Freeform, Ultravioletremarkeyable, Violet Markey - Freeform, alive, asleep, not canon, oxygen, vegetative state, wander - Freeform, wandering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21805060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmediatelyWriting/pseuds/ImmediatelyWriting
Summary: (SPOILERSfor All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven)After nearly drowing, Finch incurres severe brain damage. While he's asleep - in a coma - Violet has to stay with him and deal with the hurt of not knowing if Finch will ever go back to the person he used to be.WARNING: Spoilers - Spoken about suicide - heavy angst
Relationships: Theodore Finch/Violet Markey, Violet Markey/Theodore Finch
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	1. That Awful Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey,   
> Now that there's a movie from All The Bright Places (yes, there finally is!) I have to say this:  
> For everyone who's only watched the movie, but has not read the book. This Fanfiction can be read when seen the movie and/or read the book, but just know I keep to the character discriptions and plot from the book. There might get talked about scenes that are only in the book or how someone looks (Finch mainly) can be different from the movie.
> 
> Now that that's been said:  
> Have fun reading!

**Violet**

_April 26_

My phone rings, once, twice.

_Would it be Finch calling?_ I wonder, while I grab my phone. I stand in my bedroom, my phone in one hand and a glass of water in the other. It could be Finch, honestly. He’s sent me an e-mail earlier this morning and he’s been sending me random Facebook messages spread over the last few weeks.

But when I look at my screen and read, _“Kate Finch”_. Somehow I’m nervous about picking up, because I haven’t heard anything from the Finch-es. Not since Theodore disappeared into nothingness.

I finally pick up the phone, before it disconnects. “Hello?” I ask.

“Finally,” a voice – Kate’s voice – mumbles on the other side of the line. “Violet, come to the Terre Haute Regional Hospital, now! It’s important.”

Kate sounds scared and sad, like she’s been crying. I don’t think I’ve ever heard this much emotion in her voice.

“W-what’s going on?” I ask, not knowing if I even want to hear the answer.

Kate stays silent for a while, but eventually she says, “Theodore attempted suicide.” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “Look, it’s not good.”

I stare at the wall full disbelieve. My tears are followed by a loud clattering noise. I look at the floor, my feet are wet and the ground around me is covered in glass shards.

“Violet!” my mom yells. “What was that? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine!” I reply, but voice breaks in the middle of the sentence.

“Violet,” Kate continues. “Just, please, make sure you get here. I want you to be with him when…” She pauses. “… _if_ he wakes up.”

Tears are running over my cheeks. How can Finch have done this?

I already picture him lying on the ground after jumping off a not-high-enough building. Or in Little Bastard, crashed after taking an overdose of sleeping pills.

I shake away the images and tell Kate that I’ll be there as soon as possible. I first have to slip past my parents to get to the hospital.

I look up the Terre Haute Regional Hospital on my phone and find out that it’s more than an hour ride away from Bartlett. It’s also very close to the Blue Hole. That’s when I realize what Finch probably tried to do; he tried to drown himself in the Blue Hole, but he didn’t succeed.

I fold my hand in front of my mouth and cry. I can’t believe he tried to end his life.

I put some clothes and my phone in a bag and take the car keys from my desk. I walk downstairs, tears still dripping from my eyes.

I go to the living room and walk inside. My parents look up from what they’re doing and they immediately seem concerned.

“I’m going for a drive,” I say and I try to keep my voice from breaking.

“Violet,” my mother says with a concerned look on her face. “Is something wrong?”

I don’t reply to her question, “I’ll try to be back before it’s dark. Bye.” After saying that I make my way to the door. I feel guilty about lying to my parents, but after all I can’t leave Finch alone now.

I walk to the car, followed by my parents. I’m in the car just fast enough, they can’t stop me now. I look at them, tears blurring my vision.

I drive away.

* * *

I arrive at the hospital about one and a half hour after I left my house. I felt guilty and sad the entire drive to the hospital.

I walk inside and Kate is waiting for me at the entrance. She looks at me with some strange form of pity and says, “Thanks for being here.”

I nod and try not to start crying again. I ask, “What exactly happened? What is going to happen? Where’s Finch… I mean Theodore?”

Kate looks at me and a sad smile appears on her face. “One question at a time,” she replies.

I glance away. “What happened?”

“We think Theo tried to drown himself,” she says and I see she’s struggling not to cry as well, which surprises me, honestly. “The owners of the place found him and called an ambulance. They think he’s been under water for quite some time, so it’s a miracle that he’s still alive.”

Kate lays her hand on my back and carefully leads me to the waiting room, where Decca and Finch’s parents are waiting for something or someone.

“How’s Theodore doing now?”

“We don’t know,” Kate replies and her blue eyes stare at me. “We arrived here when Theo already was taken to an ER. There could be a doctor coming for us any moment now.”

“How long have you been here?”

“For a few hours now,” Kate says. The day has only just yet started and they’ve been here for a few hours already. I can’t believe this takes so long.

I stare at my hands, resting on my lap. They’re shaking heavily.

My phone starts to ring and when I look at the screen, I see that my mother is calling me for the tenth time. I walk away and after hesitating I pick up.

“Violet!” She sounds worried. Of course she sounds worried, I basically ran away. “Where are you, Violet?”

“I’m at the hospital,” I answer.

“What? Violet, did something happen to you? Are you okay?”

I start to cry again and say, “No, I’m not okay. It’s…” I sob loudly and I already hear my mother stressing out on the other side of the line. “… Theodore. He’s at...” I lean against the wall, wiping away the tears. “He tried to kill himself.”

“James, that boy tried to kill himself, Violet is at the hospital now.” My mom talks to my dad, whose reply I cannot understand. “Violet, what hospital?”

Kate walks around the corner and whispers there’s a doctor waiting for them.

I tell my mom that I must go and break the connection before she can say anything.

Kate has already gone back to the waiting room and when I walk inside I hear her talking to the doctor. She’s obviously the person who cares the most about Theodore in this entire room.

“I know only family is allowed,” she says, she sounds desperate. “But Violet is really important to Theodore, she’s basically family.”

“I’m sorry, miss Finch,” the doctor says and he glances at me. “But I’m not allowed to let anyone other than family know all the details on your brother.”

“I know, but…” Kate looks at me. “Look, she’s by far the most important person to Theodore, please, sir. He needs her if he wakes up.”

The doctor – whose name, according to his name-card, is Marco Brown – looks from Kate to me to Finch’s family and back to Kate. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay, for this one time.”

Doctor Brown turns around and tells us to follow him to his office, where he’ll explain what’s going to happen from now on. Finch’s family follows him up front, I follow them.

Brown’s office is a small room with four white walls, a pale blue floor, a desk and a few chairs. There aren’t enough chairs for all of us to sit down, so I stand next to Kate’s seat, leaning against the wall.

“Do you want something to drink?” Brown asks to no one in particular. No one replies, so he takes a seat as well. He folds his arms on the desk and looks at us one at a time. “So, Theodore Finch has nearly drowned.” Brown begins with telling us something everyone already knows. “We had to give him CPR and rushed him to the hospital. After taking a look at his condition we had to insert an emergency tracheostomy, colostomy bag and some other things. After that we brought him to the ICU.”

I look at Finch’s family. Kate is closely listening to every word Brown is saying, while Finch’s father doesn’t even seem to be listening. Finch’s mother is tightly holding Decca against her chest and I genuinely hope that Decca isn’t listening.

“The lack of oxygen caused your son to get in a coma. We don’t know when and _if_ he’ll wake up.”

Brown emphasizes on the _“If”_ , which makes Finch’s mom sob. I wonder if she saw this coming or not.

Kate looks at Brown and asks, “And what _if_ he wakes up? What’s his condition now?”

Brown takes a deep breath. “We can’t tell for sure, but we think your brother might’ve incurred brain damage. We don’t know in what condition his brain is exactly – and we probably won’t know until he wakes up – but we’re afraid that there’s some damage done to his brain because of the lack of oxygen.”

Kate takes a deep breath as well and glances at me, mouthing something like _“Fuck”_. After that she looks back at Brown. “When will I be able to see my brother?”

“I think it’ll be best if his parents…” Brown looks at miss and mister Finch. “… go in first and have some time to be with your son alone. Later today the other family like sisters and… friends.”

Miss Finch looks at Decca, still sitting quietly on her lap. “Can we please bring Decca in with us?” she asks and of course Brown does agree with that.

Kate nods, but I see that she doesn’t actually agree with Brown. I get that, she cares more about Finch than both his parents and Decca. “Okay,” she says in a monotone voice. “Good luck, mom… dad.”

We all leave Brown’s office. Decca, Miss Finch and mister Finch disappear in the Intensive Care, while Kate and I go to the waiting room.

Before Kate takes a seat, she says, “I’m going to get some coffee, this is going to take a while. Do you want some to?”

I nod. “Thank you.”

Kate leaves and I sit alone. My shoes tap on the colored floor and my head leans against the darker blue walls. I look out on a desk, a woman talking with someone on the phone, ticking away on her computer.

I stare at the clock, minutes seem to last hours. I wait and wait and eventually Kate comes back with the coffee. I hold the plastic cup, warming up my hands. I stare at my lap and all I can think of is Finch.

I want to see Finch.


	2. Theodore...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Chapter 2 for you.   
> Today?  
> Yes, today!  
> Since I love to give you some more progress at once.  
> From now on: every thursday and sunday :)
> 
> Enjoy!

**Violet**

_April 27_

Kate wasn’t kidding when she said it was going to take a while. We had to go to a hotel near the hospital, because we weren’t allowed in the ICU for as long as Finch’s parents were in there.

My parents called me about a thousand times, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick up and explain everything. It would get way too painful, but I know I have to call them some day.

I wondered if Finch’s mom spend the night there. But when I walk back to the hospital with Kate this morning, she tells me that her mother and Decca stayed at another hotel and made sure that they’d be in the hospital by afternoon. Mister Finch went back home and made – by doing that – really clear that he didn’t care about his son lying in a coma.

Kate makes sure that we both can enter Finch’s room, but I still feel doubt when I’m standing in front of the closed, white door.

Kate turns around to me and asks, “Are you ready?” She doesn’t sound less doubtful than me. I nod, but I’m not sure if I’m lying when I do that. 

Kate carefully opens the door and we walk inside. There are curtains hanging around every bed. We’re told that Finch would be lying in the fifth bed in the left row. I look at the ground until we arrive at Finch’s bed.

I slowly look up and I feel a lump in my throat. Theodore is lying in the bed, most of his body hidden underneath a pale blue blanket. He’s even paler than usual and his eyes are closed.

He’s hooked up to monitors, which are noisy and produce loud _beeps_.

With one of my hands folded in front of my mouth, my eyes take in all of Finch’s sleeping body. There’s a infuse stuck to his thin and scarred arm. The long scars – which I haven’t seen before – make me wonder if he could’ve been cutting himself in the past few weeks. I look at the lips that I’ve kissed many times before and try to swallow away the lump in my throat. A large tube is entering windpipe through his throat, it looks awfully painful. Finch is also hooked up to a breathing machine and other life support.

Kate is quiet at first, but eventually tells me to take a seat. She stands on the end of Finch’s bed and stares at her younger brother. I can see the pain in her eyes, but I also see she’s trying to hide it.

After a while she says, “Could you stay with him? Mom, Decca and I can rest a little and I trust you to stay with him and let us know when something happens.”

She’s asking a lot of me – she isn’t talking about today only – but I know I can do it.

“Of course,” I answer. “Take some rest, I’ll stay with him.”

Kate lays her hand on my shoulder and thanks me. After that she looks at Finch and whispers, “Hold on a little longer, Theo.”

Then she leaves.

* * *

Today has been a long day. Not because I had to sit next to Finch’s sleeping body, no, because my brain has been freaking out the entire time. It was telling me that Finch wouldn’t ever wake up, imagining the heart monitor making a one-toned noise. Or even worse imagining him still lying in that bed over a few years.

I’m very relieved when I arrive at the hotel and fall onto the bed. Kate left a note that she’s sleeping at the same hotel as her mother and Decca.

After lying on the bed for a few minutes, I sit upright and call my mom. The phone doesn’t even ring one time before she picks up.

“Violet, are you okay?” she immediately asks. She sounds like she’s been crying before I called, I’m sure I made them worry and of course I feel guilty about that.

“I’m sorry, mom.” A tear drips over my cheek. “But I couldn’t… I couldn’t explain everything… it’s all too much.” I start sobbing and my mom is making shushing noises.

“It alright,” she says. “Why don’t you tell me where you are and we’ll pick you up, okay?”

I sniff. “No, mom, you don’t get it,” I cry and somehow I feel mad. “Theodore Finch is lying in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt!” I start yelling now and everything just spills out of my mouth. “He’s in a coma, which – doctors say – he might or might not wake up from. If he wakes up there’s a chance that he’s got severe damaged brain. You get that?” I pause and I start sobbing, my head falling into my hands. “I promised that I’d stay with him every day for as long as I can, I cannot leave him! I love him, mom!”

My mother stays silent so I continue, as if my breaks are gone. “So sit down, watch TV or something. I’ll try to call daily, but don’t think of me too much. I just need to be alone, with Finch, now.”

I break the connection, throw my phone of the bed and cry myself asleep.


	3. Unstable April

**Violet**

_The rest of April_

The next days are painful and I’ve thought about telling Kate to spend her days next to Finch’s bed herself.

Every day starts with sitting on a crutch with a warm cup of coffee to keep me awake. Of course I sit next to Finch’s hospital bed.

Somewhere around noon I call my parents to give them an update.

After lunch, I go back to Finch’s room with a new cup of coffee. I sit there all afternoon, holding Finch’s hand.

At first this was bearable, but after a while Finch started to do worse.

On April 29 somewhere around one P.M. Finch’s body starts to make all kinds of spastic movements. I step back, my crutch falls onto the ground.

I hear a monotone sounds coming from the heart monitor. At first I don’t know what to do, but then I notice the red button next to Finch’s bed. I hold it in until a doctor appears with two assistants and defibrillators.

One of the assistants walks over to me and asks me to leave the room. Before I walk away I see them taking away the blanket and Finch’s shirt before placing the defibrillators onto Finch’s chest. I stare, while I know I should walk away.

I watch as they try to help him. At first his heart doesn’t response, but after the second try it starts beating again.

On April 30, Finch makes the spastic movements more often, but even though I’ve asked the doctors what they mean for a few times, I still don’t know.

I hope that it means he’s slowly waking up.

During lunch time I can’t be in Finch’s room, because the doctors need to do some things. So I call Kate to tell her today’s going a bit better than yesterday. She tells me she and Finch’s mother are going to visit this afternoon. This is the first time Miss Finch is joining Kate ever since Finch is lying in the hospital.

After Kate’s visit, I go back to Finch’s room. I sit down, take his hand and look at him.

His hair has grown long again. It’s greasy and messy.

I can’t wait to see his ocean blue eyes look at me again; I hope they’ll be filled with life when they do.

His hand is soft, though cold. It’s larger than mine and probably a lot stronger, but now it just weakly lies in mine.

Even though I’ve been with him all this time, I miss Theodore Finch more than ever.


	4. In-Between

**Violet**

_May 3_

I sit next to Finch’s bed after calling my parents and Kate. His body is doing all these spastic movements again and he moves his head from the left to the right every once in a while.

It scares me, because I don’t know if he’s waking up slowly or if he’s in much pain.

His hand convulsively squeezes mine and I startle because of it.

I stare at Finch’s face and notice something different. Two, big, blue eyes are staring at my hand holding his.

_He’s waking up?_

I gasp and use my other hand to press the “call” button next to Finch’s bed. “He’s waking up,” I say in the little speaker.

I smile at Finch, but the look on his face stays the same emotionless way. This is the first time I’ve seen these perfect blue eyes in weeks, maybe even months, but somehow it feels different. They’re not filled with life; they look emptier and much duller than usual.

Doctors are gathered around his bed within a few seconds. I need to step backwards until they’ve replaced the tube in is throat by nasal canula.

They let me in the room again when they’re done with him. Brown looks at me and says, “Good luck, Miss Markey.” He gestures at Finch. “Let us know immediately when something happens. We’ll inform mister Finch’s family that he’s waking up.”

I nod, knowing that it’s going to last a while until they’re here. Which I’m glad about, because I can’t be with Finch when his family is.

I walk towards Finch’s bed. He’s sitting upright now. His gaze follows me when I walk to the crutch next to Finch’s bed.

I smile at him, but he doesn’t reply. I know I shouldn’t be expecting that he’s completely awake immediately, but I just want him to be.

Brown is still in the room, so I ask, “How long should it take him to wake up fully?”

Brown hesitates. “It can take days until he wakes up fully. He’ll still sleep a lot the first few days. Maybe he’ll be awake for a few minutes now, but tomorrow it could already be half an hour maybe.”

“Okay,” I say. “If he doesn’t respond, after how many days should I let you know?”

“If he’s still not at all responding after two days, you should really let us know,” Brown explains. “We’ll run some MRI scans to see in what condition his brain is.”

“Thank you,” I say. Before Brown leaves, I ask, “Could I maybe call Theodore’s family myself this evening? Maybe they’d like to hear it from me.”

Brown nods once and leaves the room.

I hold Finch’s hand. I feel I’m shaking. I’m scared that his brain is too damaged to help him wake up fully. I’m scared he’ll stay stuck in this in-between.

I look into his eyes and whisper, “It’s me, Finch.” His eyes start to close again, he seems tired. “I love you.”

I press a kiss onto his cheek, before he goes back to sleep again.


	5. Shriek!

**Violet**

_May 5_

Yesterday Finch’s mother, Kate and Decca have been with him the entire morning and a part of the afternoon. I stayed with Finch in the evening. He was awake for a short moment while I was with him, but I heard that his eyes had been open for about an hour when Kate and Miss Finch were with him.

Today he was sitting upright in his bed when I came inside. The doctors told me they’d set his bed straighter to hopefully encourage him to wake up fully, because even yesterday Finch hasn’t responded to anything.

I sit next to him on the crutch and look at him. He looks emotionless and empty from the inside. He’s not really responding when I carefully take his hand in mine, nor is he saying anything.

His blue eyes are staring at the blue curtain in front of him and I wonder if he’s even aware that I’m here. 

“Good morning, Theodore,” I whisper and I lean towards him to kiss him on his cheek. He looks at me when I back up after kissing his cheek. His eyes are really looking into mine. His mouth opens a little bit and for a moment I really think he’s fully awake and aware of everything.

I smile at him. Imagining him quoting Virginia Woolf, the first words after waking up from a coma.

But instead of words a loud groan comes from his mouth. I gasp and back up. Finch keeps groaning like he wants to tell me something, but he’s not able to.

I lean forward and take his other hand with mine. “It’s okay, Finch,” I say, I just want him to stop grunting and groaning. “I’m here. I love you, okay?”

I keep talking to him until he stops groaning. I smile at him, but it doesn’t feel like smiling to me. I hold his hands and whisper to him until he’s sleeping again.

I stand up and walk to Brown’s office. I notice that I was crying when I walk past a mirror and see my red eyes staring at me. I wipe away the tears before I knock onto the door of Brown’s office.

“Come in,” Brown’s voice replies.

I walk inside and I can already feel a lump in my throat. “I think Theodore isn’t okay.”

“What happened, Miss Markey?”

“I t-thought he was aware of what was going on, he seemed aware and awake. He opened his mouth, I think he wanted to say something, but all there was were loud and painful groans.” I start crying again, I can’t keep the tears in.

“Miss Markey, why don’t you sit down?”

I listen to Brown and take a seat on a chair.

“I think it’s best if we call miss and mister Finch to consider doing a MRI scan,” he says. “We can find out what’s wrong with Theodore Finch and in what condition his brain is, okay?”

I nod, but it’s not to for me to decide on what they do with Finch.

Brown calls miss and mister Finch and I call Kate. They agree on making a MRI scan of Finch’s brain and they try to get here as soon as possible.

Finch is already going into the MRI while I’m waiting for Finch’s family to arrive.

Since Finch’s family left Theodore to me, they’ve gone back to Bartlett. It last long before they get here. And Finch is back in his room before his family even arrives.

I sit next to Finch’s bed, keeping him company while his parents are on their way. I don’t even know if he’ll know they’re his parents, because I’ve been with him most of the time he’s been awake.

It’s quiet. Not something I’m used to when I’m close to an awake Finch. Normally he’s talking, quoting, singing, but he’s not often completely quiet.

His blue eyes keep staring at my hand holding his. They seem confused, though filled fascination. I look at his mouth; it’s slightly opened as he concentrates on our hands. When it closes I’m sure I see something that looks like a smile. Not Finch’s cute lopsided smile. It’s only a hint of Finch’s real smile, but there’s more emotion on his face than what I’ve seen in days.

The smile disappears when his parents and Brown walk in. Finch slowly, but surely moves his eyes away from my hand.

I look up too.

Finch’s mother looks like she’s been crying, Finch’s father hasn’t even come here and Kate is holding Decca’s hand.

Brown looks from Finch’s household to me and a sad look can be read off his face. I swallow, this can’t be good. I clench Finch’s hand in mine.

“Why don’t you all take a seat?” Brown says.

_Is he going to tell it here? Now? In front of Finch?_

_What if Finch is aware of this, it might scare him._

“No, thank you,” Kate replies. “Just… tell us what’s going on with my brother.”

Brown looks at Kate and nods. “I’m sorry.” It feels to me as if Brown is shoving away having to tell what’s on the MRI scans of Finch brain. This worries me.

_What if Finch will never be Finch again?_ I shake away the thought; I know I shouldn’t think like that.

“Okay, so we made some MRI scans and I have the results here,” Brown says and he holds up a beige file. He opens it, showing it to us. A black and white picture of Finch’s brain is being showed to us. It looks like a normal brain to me, but I can hear panic in Brown’s voice.

Brown points at a specific part of the brain. “We can see that there’s a severe damage in the Temporal Lobe.” He points at another part of the brain. “There’s also some damage done to the Frontal Lobe and Pons.”

By now Brown has already pointed at most parts of the brain and I’m getting more worried with every second that passes. I turn around to Finch, who’s sitting upright. He’s staring straight past us.

“What does all of this mean?” Kate asks. “What do all those brain parts do?”

“The Temporal Lobe controls the perception of language, hearing, memory, behavior, concentration, visual perspective, smell and taste. The Frontal Lobe has control over the planning things, memory, impulse control, resolving issues, attention, decision-making and controlling emotions and behavior.” Brown pauses for a minute and I can see fear in his eyes. “But I’m worried the most about the Pons, which controls awareness of surroundings and himself. It also controls the subjective perception of own body, thought, emotions, desires and purposes.”

I open my mouth to say something, but a lump blocks my throat. Kate seems to notice, so she says something instead. “What does that mean for Theo?”

Brown takes a deep breath at Finch and says, “We can’t say anything for sure, but there’s much damage done to his brain.” He pauses and looks from Kate to Miss Finch to me. “We’re afraid that Theodore Finch – in the worse case – might never talk, walk, be aware of what’s happening…” Brown glances away. “He might never even smile again.”

Everyone stays quiet and I hear Finch’s mother sobbing silently.

“Is there a chance that he’s going to be normal again?” Kate asks and I hear that she’s just as frightened as I am. “I mean, that he goes back to being the person he’s always been?”

Brown shrugs and closes the file. “There’s a chance, of course, but I can’t say it’s a big one,” Brown answers. “But like I said, we’re not sure. We must sit and wait. I can’t forecast the future, I can only tell you what I do know at the moment.”

Brown sadly looks at the Finch-es. “I’m sorry.”

I don’t know what he’s apologizing for, he’s doing all he can to help Finch. Finch would’ve been dead without him.

_Maybe Finch would’ve been happier if he died._ The thought of it makes me scared. I wonder if Finch can hear this, but can’t do anything about it, so I ask, “Finch – I mean Theodore – he’s still somewhere in there, right?”

Brown looks at me and answers, “He could be, yes.”

I take a deep breath, I don’t know if I’m relieved that this still is Finch or it makes me even sadder than before.

* * *

That evening I stay in the hospital until it’s late. Somehow I just want to be close to Finch. I don’t want him to be alone.

I hold his hand, resting with my head on his mattress. His blue eyes are looking at me. They again seem fixated on my hand holding his. Every time he does that I wonder if Finch is happy that I still love him, that I’m with him.

I look at Finch and whisper, “We don’t travel in bad weather. We walk, jog, or ride bikes. No driving. We don’t go far from Bartlett. We won’t use our phones. We use old-school maps. We alternate choosing places. We leave something at each site as an offering. A piece of us.” Finch’s guidelines for wandering.

I wonder if we’ll ever wander together again.

I look at him, he’s falling asleep. Which isn’t a surprise, he’s been awake for almost the entire day.

I take my hand through his hair, it’s way too greasy. I wonder if I could convince Brown that I need to wash his hair. Maybe it would be dangerous, but I would be careful. Finch needs a douche and other clothes than these pale blue hospital clothing.

Before leave the hospital, I kiss Finch on his forehead.

He doesn’t react.

He’s sleeping.

That evening I decide to drive back to Bartlett. I’m not scared when I step in the car, driving home through the dark night.

I arrive at my house somewhere around midnight. My mom answers the door and her eyes widen when she sees me. She’s in her pajamas and her hair’s in a messy knot.

“Oh, Violet!” She’s crying. “Are you okay, honey?”

She hugs me, pulls me inside and closes the door behind us. My dad comes running down the stairs when he realizes I’m home.

I’m sandwiched by my parents, they’re both sobbing. I know I worried them even though I tried to call daily.

“I’m sorry,” I say and a sob escapes from my mouth. “But I’ll only be home for tonight, Theodore needs me.”

My mother looks as my dad, who seems somewhat mad. “What is this boy doing to you? Look at you, Violet.”

I probably look like shit, I haven’t combed or washed my hair in days. I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night. That’s only for the nights that no nightmares kept me awake.

I sob and look at my parents. “It’s my own choice to stay with him, he needs me.”

“He’s in a coma, Violet,” my dad points out. “He doesn’t know…”

I cut him off. “Theodore woke up.” I start to cry when I realize how absent I’ve been for my parents. I haven’t called them, not even once after Finch woke up from his coma.

My mother looks at my dad. “He woke up?” my mother asks. “That’s amazing news.”

I shake my head and I start to cry even harder. “He’s incurred severe brain damage, mom! That doesn’t sound like amazing news to me.” I fall onto the floor. This is the first time I’m crying after hearing the news. “And it’s all my fault!”

My parents are staring at me like I’m an animal at the zoo. My mom has her hands folded in front of her mouth and my dad seems to be shocked as well.

“Why would it be your fault?” My mother kneels down next to me.

“If I hadn’t started that fight with him on his birthday,” I cry. “He wouldn’t have disappeared, he wouldn’t have tried to kill himself.”

_It’s my fault!_

_Finch in lying in the hospital because of me._

_He’s got brain damage because of me._

_He could’ve died because of me._

_I was so stupid!_

_It’s my fault!_

My mother wraps her arm around me and hugs me. “It’s not your fault, Violet.” She’s crying as well now. “Let’s get some rest, you should sleep until you’re not tired anymore. Okay?”

I nod. After that my parents bring me to bed, where I cry myself asleep again.


	6. Drips of Water

**Violet**

_May 6_

I leave home before my parents wake up and drive past Finch’s house before going to the hospital. I shove some of Finch’s clothes in a weekend bag and after that I drive to the hospital.

It’s a long drive, so I try to keep my focus on the road and not on Finch.

Eventually I arrive at the hospital. I immediately go to Brown’s office, hoping that he’s in there.

I hear no one talking inside, so if he’s in there he’s not with patients. I knock two times before opening the door.

Brown is sitting behind his desk, he seems stressed out. He looks up when he notices someone’s entered the room. “Oh, good morning, miss Markey,” he says and he tries to sound cheerful.

“Something wrong?” I ask.

“No,” he says, but he hesitates. “Something with another patient of mine, none of your worries.”

We stay quiet for a while and then Brown asks, “Did you want to ask something?”

I nod. “I was wondering if I’m allowed to wash Theodore’s hair. I mean, I noticed the nurses aren’t doing it, so maybe I could do it.”

“I think that would be dangerous,” Brown answers. “We don’t know if mister Finch is aware of what happening. It might startle or even hurt him, he might drown if you’re not careful. I think someone professional should shower him.”

“Please,” I beg him. “He really needs to be washed and he needs clean clothes, I brought some for him.”

Brown shakes his head. “I don’t know, Miss Markey.” He looks away.

“Please, doctor Brown,” I say and I stare at him. “I’ll make sure to be careful. I won’t use the showerhead, but a cup. I’ll keep the water away from his face with my hand. I’ll make sure not to hurt him. I’ll call for you immediately if something goes wrong and I will be very careful.” I pause and take a deep breath. “Please, just let me clean my boyfriend.”

Brown sighs. “Okay,” he says. And after he mumbles, “I’m making a lot of exceptions for you, Miss Markey.”

“Thank you,” I say and I smile at Brown.

“I’ll get a nurse to get mister Finch to the bathroom,” Brown tells me. “You may do the rest.”

I nod.

Brown gives me plastic clothing for over my normal clothes so they don’t get all wet. I take off my shoes before going into the bathroom.

Finch has already been placed in the bathroom when I go inside.

He’s sitting on a chair underneath the shower. He’s only wearing his boxers. His naked body showing the large scars all over his body.

His body seems weak. Held in place by the railing on both sides of the chair.

He’s awake, looking at the floor. He seems confused, honestly.

I kneel down in front of him and he slowly looks up at me. “Are you ready for your shower?” I ask, but of course I don’t get a reply from him.

I hold a plastic cup in my hand and fill it up with lukewarm water. I slowly let it stream over Finch’s hair, my free hand making sure that the water doesn’t stream over his face.

His breath falters a little when the water drips from his hair onto his back.

I whisper, “Is that nice?” while I fill another cup with water.

The next minutes, I spend making Finch’s hair all wet. His body gets watery as well in the process.

Then I take the shampoo from the ground and squeeze some onto my hand. I carefully massage it into Finch’s hair. He softly groans when my fingers rub over his skull and I stop for a second. I hesitate about continuing, I might be hurting him.

But I continue.

I wash the shampoo out of his hair and take a towel. I don’t know how I’m going to dry him when he’s sitting upright like that, so I let him lean against me.

His chest against mine, his head leaning on my shoulder. His body caves in against me and I almost fall backwards because of the weight of a tall seventeen-years-old’s body.

I dry him with the large towel. Carefully rubbing him with it. He mumbles something inaudible when I drape the towel around him.

“You must be cold,” I say and I glance at the dry spot in the bathroom where I laid down his clothes. “Let’s get you into some fresh, clean clothes.”

I wonder why exactly I’m doing this. Cleaning Finch, it should be his mother’s job. Somehow I feel like I’m parenting him instead of being his girlfriend.

_It’s my responsibility._ I tell myself. _I’m as closest to family as he seems to have at the moment._

I get on my feet, lifting Finch’s body from the stool. He’s heavy, I’m never going to get him to the dry spot without hurting him or myself.

I sigh, putting him back onto the chair.

“How am I going to do this?” I ask to no one in particular.

Finch stares at me with his big, bright, blue eyes. He seems amused, or maybe I’m just imagining it. The Finch I know would be amused if he saw me trying to do something I clearly can’t. I smile at Finch, put my hands on my hips and ask Finch, “What? Are you laughing at me?”

Finch’s mouth opens and mumbles something inaudible.

I’m sure he understands me. Finch knows what’s going on. I just feel it.

I stare at him. This isn’t Finch, but somehow he _is_.

“Well, I’m going to get a nurse to help me put on your clothes,” I say, to change the subject to something else. I get up from the ground. “I’ll be back in a second.”

I walk to the hallway and get a nurse. She tells me to get some lunch while she gets Finch dressed, back in bed and hooked up to the machines again.

I do as she tells me. Grabbing some food at the closest fast food restaurant and buying a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

Afterwards I go back to the hospital, where Finch is lying back in his bed. He’s wearing his own black shirt. It’s looking a lot better on him than the blue hospital dress they’d put on him.

Finch is sleeping when I arrive at his room, so I take a seat next to his bed in silence.

Finch sleeps for the rest of the day, I can imagine that showering takes a lot of energy.

Sometimes he spastically moves up and down with his feet. He also moves his head a lot when he sleeps, I wonder if he’s dreaming about something.

I hope, if he does dream, it is nice dreams.


	7. Things Take Time

**Violet**

_The rest of May and the beginning of June_

The next weeks go by slowly.

I’m with Finch all the time, which means I’m skipping school. But not really, my mother called school to let them know what was going on.

As for Finch. He is somewhat awake most of the time, but with every day that passes I get more afraid.

Whenever he’s awake he’ll mumble or groan sometimes. He started screaming and yelling inaudible things more often lately.

The screaming scares me the most. It sounds like a shriek of helplessness, as if Finch is scared and in pain.

Every time this happens, I feel like running away.

But I stay.

I just hold Finch’s hands. Talk to him in a calm voice. Eventually – sometimes after a few seconds, sometimes after half an hour – he calms down. 

Doctors say that the longer he stays in this state, the less chance there is on full recovery.

Brown has told me that after two to three months he won’t be expecting any recovery anymore.

After two to three months this could possibly be Finch’s existence for the rest of his life. I don’t want that to happen, of course.

I make sure to take good care of Finch. I’m allowed to wash Finch once a week and the nurses have taught me how to change in clothes.

Sometimes, in the afternoon, Finch’s mother and Kate come by and I have to leave until they’re going back home again. I hate these moments of the day, because I want to be with Finch.

I call my parents once or twice a week to fill them in on all the details. And I call Kate every day to make sure she knows how her younger brother is doing. 

I just want Finch to wake up from this in-between state. I hope this will happen soon, because I feel like I’m going mad talking to his not-responding body.

And I’m sure Finch is going insane as well.


	8. In case you ever foolishly forget

**Violet**

_June 17_

I wake up from my ringing phone and I think to myself, _I’ve slept_! This is the first time in weeks that I’ve slept a full night without crying myself to sleep. Somehow it feels like I’m getting used to the whole Finch thing.

I grab my phone and pick up the unknown number. “Violet Markey. Can I help you?” I ask when I pick up.

“Miss Markey,” a familiar voice says. “It’s me Marco Brown. I’ve got great news, mister Finch seems fully awake. He even spoke a few words this morning.”

My mouth opens and I’m so happy I don’t know what to say. I stammer inaudible words because I’m so shocked.

_Finch has returned! I knew he would!_

I nod in full happiness. “Thank you, I’ll get to the hospital as soon as I can.”

Brown waits for me to break the connection and I jog to the hospital. When I arrive Brown is waiting for me in the entrance room.

“Thank you for coming, Miss Markey,” he says. “Miss Finch didn’t even pick up the phone when I called her to tell her the news.”

_That’s nothing new._

“Of course,” I say and I glance away. “Am I allowed to see him?”

“You’re not only allowed, I’m asking you to go see him,” Brown says with a careful smile.

“Thank you.”

“But please, miss Markey,” Brown tells me. “I have to warn you, don’t be startled if he’s not acting like he did before he got into a coma.” I nod. “I don’t know mister Finch like he was before, so to me he seems completely fine and I’m surprised he’s recovering so amazingly. It a miracle, honestly.”

I nod again and thank Brown.

Before I enter Finch’s room, I take a deep breath.

_What if Finch isn’t Finch anymore?_ I shake away the thought and move away the curtain that was keeping me apart from him.

Finch is sitting with his back against the wall. He’s wearing his black T-shirt again; I think it’s just the easiest to put on. His hair is messy, just like always.

His eyes shining bright like an ocean struck by sunshine. His mouth opens and somehow – even though Brown told me he’s talking again – I expect the painful groaning to come out.

But it doesn’t.

Finch opens his mouth and says, “It’s y-you.” Right after that Finch’s familiar lopsided smile appears on his face.

_This is Finch._ I just know it.

I smile back at him. When I look behind me to thank Brown I see that he has left the room already.

I walk towards Finch, take a seat next to his bed and cheerfully say, “Good morning, sleepyhead.”

He doesn’t reply, like somehow he doesn’t know how.

Finch stares at the curtain and his eyes seem sadder than when I walked in. A tear rolls over his cheek and within a second Finch’s head is lying in his arms.

He is crying.

I lay my hand on his shoulder and ask, “Is something wrong?” He doesn’t reply.

After a minute of crying, Finch looks at me with teared up eyes. His voice breaks when he says, “I’m sorry.” Tears start streaming over cheeks again. “I-I don’t know how to s-say th-this, I don’t want to h-h-hurt you.”

“Say what?” I ask. Finch shakes his head and starts crying even harder. I lean towards him and start to wipe away his tears with my fingers. “There’s not much anymore that will hurt me, Finch.”

Finch stares at me and opens his mouth a tiny bit. “You’re s-so nice to me a-and I feel like I should remember you,” Finch stammers, his voice breaks. “B-but I have n-no idea who you are. H-hell, I don’t even k-know who I am!”

My heart stops… torn into a million pieces.

_This isn’t Finch._

I try to keep in the tears, but I can’t hold them back. I stand up and Finch reaches for me, but I turn my back towards him. “I’m s-sorry,” he cries and I feel his hand grabbing mine.

I turn around to him and my vision is blurred by the tears, my head hurts and my heart hurts even more. I shake my head and pull away from his weak grip.

I hear him shrieking while I walk away. I press my hands onto my ears and cry.

_This is my fault!_

_It’s my fault!_

_Finch isn’t Finch anymore!_

I storm into Brown’s room and my emotions can’t stay in me anymore. I look at the startled Brown and cry, “That isn’t the Theodore Finch that talked me off the ledge of the school’s bell tower. That isn’t the boy I loved!”

Brown looks at me. “Why don’t you take a seat, I’ll get you some water,” Brown says. “And we can talk calmly, okay?”

I shake my head. It’s all too much. I’m furious and scared and heartbroken and I don’t know what to do with it. So I shake my head and cry, “I just want my boyfriend back.”

“Miss Markey, I need you to calm down so we can talk about this.”

I fall onto my knees, shaking my head. “No, I can’t!”

I feel a hand on my back, it leads me to a chair. I lay my head in my hands on the table in front of me and sob.

“Okay, let it out, Miss Markey,” Brown says. “I’ll get you some water, I’ll be right back.”

I nod without looking up.

I cry.

_What happened to the Finch I loved?_ The thought haunts my mind. _Did he just disappear like Finch does when he’s “asleep”._

I shake my head, Finch can’t be gone, he’ll be back. He’s a Bartlett Legend, he can’t disappear.

I hear to door clicking and I look up. My eyes hurt, and my head too.

Brown puts a cup of water in front of me. I take a sip.

“So,” Brown says and he folds his arms over each other. “What happened?”

I sniff. “He doesn’t remember.”

“Remember what?”

“Who I am. Who he is himself. I don’t think he even knows why he is here… where he is.” Tears are coming up again.

“Okay,” Brown says and after that he stays quiet for a while. “I should run tests to know for sure, but I almost sure we’re talking about mister Finch having Retrograde Amnesia.”

I look at the cup of water in my hand and ask, “What does that mean?”

“It means that he can’t have access to the memories he’s got from before the injury,” Brown explains. “I don’t know if it could help him remember if you’d talk with him about anything before the accident.”

I’m now listening, if I could get Finch back that way. “Do you think it would help?”

“Look, I’m not saying he’ll ever be like he was before, that’s probably close to impossible with his brain damage. It’s a miracle that he woke up to begin with, I didn’t expect that from someone in his condition.” Brown says. “So, going back to how he was, I don’t think will happen, I’m sorry. But it might help refreshing his memory.”

I nod.

“Could you do that for me?” I shrug. “Just be with him like you were with him before, tell him about some things that happened, answer the questions he might have?”

I take a sip. “I could try.” But it’s going to be hard, I want to add, but I don’t.

Brown nods and thanks me. “We’ll run some tests on him this afternoon, so maybe it’s better if we’ll give him some rest this morning.” I nod. “I’ll probably have his test results by tomorrow morning. You and mister Finch’s family will be told tomorrow as well. I can imagine that mister Finch’s family would like to see him afterwards, but you can be with him the rest of the day, for as long as you want. Okay?”

I nod. I hate that I have to wait this long, but at the same time I’m glad that I don’t have to go back to him yet.


	9. The Awake-Awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, I have gone to the movies with a friend yesterday evening and totally forgot to post the new chapter... My fault... Here it is after all, sorry again for the longer wait, I'll try to keep up with posting but I'm also going into my exams really soon... I'll try, but I can't promise I get to posting every sunday and Thursday... Sorry...
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Finch**

_Day 1 of the “Awake-Awake”_

I shriek as the girl runs away from me. I wish my muscles wouldn’t give up on me, maybe she would’ve stayed if I was stronger.

“I-I’m s-sorry,” I cry.

She left the curtain open and I stare into the brown eyes of an old man. He’s lying in the same kind of bed as I am and he’s hooked up to all kinds of machines as well.

I don’t know why his curtain is opened, while mine has been closed all the time I’ve been here. I don’t even know why the curtain is closing me off from the rest of the world.

The old man clears his throat and says, “That girl has been coming here from the moment you arrived.” His voice is barely loud enough to hear above the noise the machines are making.

“D-do you k-know her name?” I ask. I roll with my eyes when I notice that I’m stammering again, it’s been going on from the second that I woke up completely. And it annoys me!

The man shakes his head and grimaces. “No, but I do know that that girl cares about you,” he tells me.

I can’t help it, but I start to cry, again. It’s like I can’t control my emotions.

“S-she’s been h-h-holding my h-hand the entire time,” I say. There’s not much I remember from the long time I wasn’t completely awake, but her hand holding mine has stuck with me. It was warm and strong and calming. I didn’t have to be scared when she was with me.

I just… wish I could remember who she is.

“Make sure to keep her by you side, son,” the old man tells me. “She’s a good person.”

I nod. “I-I know.”

I hear talking. You always hear talking in here. _But where is here?_ It’s just now that I realize that I haven’t got the slightest idea where I am. This doesn’t look like a house, it’s more like an institute.

“S-say, mister?” I ask, while the talking comes closer.

The old man looks up and nods.

“Do you kn-know whe-where I am?”

People enter my vision. They’re here for the old man. “Good morning, mister Neniv,” one of the ladies in white clothing says to the old man. Her voice sounds nice and she’s wearing the same as the lady who’s helped me put on my clothes this morning. “Are you ready for your surgery?”

They take the old man away before he can answer my question.

“No, w-wait!” I yell, but they’ve already left by the time I knew what to say.

I look at the pale blue blanked that’s laying on me. Tears fill up my eyes. I don’t understand why I’m crying.

Am I scared?

Or sad about not remembering?

I don’t know.

I just cry, until my eyelids get so heavy they close.

* * *

I wake up to someone’s hand on my shoulder. It’s a light touch, followed by a soft voice, “Time to wake up, mister Finch.”

_Could it be that girl?_ With that thought I open my eyes. A young lady with long brown hair, worn in a ponytail, is leaning over me. To my disappointment it isn’t the nice girl.

I wonder if she’ll ever come back, maybe I scared her away. I surely don’t hope I did.

“Good morning,” the lady says with a bright smile. “I’ve got your lunch here.” There’s a weird table standing next to her. On top of it there’s a plate with food and a cup. “Are you hungry?”

I nod, because I’m too exhausted to say anything.

She rides the table towards me over the bed. I study the food when it’s in front of me. It’s looks kind of good. I don’t think I’ve eaten any solid food since I’m here, but I don’t know how I did get my food.

On the plate there are lots of mashed potatoes, a tiny bit of meat and vegetables. Next to the plate there are some pills and a cup of water.

“We’ll be taking you to another room after lunch,” the lady says. “So, while you eat I’ll be moving over some of your things. If you need help you can always call for me, okay?”

I nod.

The lady grabs some things and walks away. I stare at the plate and grab the fork. There’s no knife – I don’t know why – but I don’t think I’ll need one anyway. Everything has been precut or can be eaten with fork alone.

I take a bit of the mashed potatoes on my fork. My hand shakes a lot when I bring the fork to my mouth. It’s hard to get it in my mouth without dropping the fork.

Finally I get the first bite into my mouth. I sigh when I realize how many more times I’m going to have to force the fork into my mouth.

The lady walks back into the room when I’m finally done eating most of my meal.

“Miss,” I say. “I-I’m not h-hu-hungry anymore.”

That’s a lie. I’m not _“not hungry”_ but I’m exhausted and my arm hurts like hell.

“Okay, I’m surprised you ate that much,” the lady says with a cheerful smile. “You _do_ have to take the medicines, but if it’s too hard to swallow them we can also insert them through your infuse. What do you want?”

I shrug. “I’ll try to s-swallow th-them.”

The lady looks at me while I take the pills in my hand and look at them. “What are they?”

“Mostly painkillers. Some Symbyax, Seroquel, Latuda, Antidepressants, Anti-seizure drugs, Diuretics and Motor System Medications. You’ll get some other drugs with dinner and breakfast tomorrow.”

I nod. I don’t know where most of these drugs are for, but I’ve heard of Antidepressants.

“Why do I need Antidepressants?” I ask, confusedly because I’m not depressed.

The lady looks at me and says, “Do you know why you’re in the hospital?”

_What? Hospital? Why?_

“A-am I in the h-h-hospital?” I ask. “Why?”

The lady’s eyes go big and they stare at me. “Never mind,” she says. “I’ll let doctor Brown talk to you about it, okay?”

I shrug. “Okay.”

“Just take your medications,” the lady – who’s apparently a nurse – tells me and of course I listen to her.

I take the pills one by one. Afterwards they take my bed to another room. I’m alone here, which I honestly don’t mind. The nurse left immediately after dropping me off, she’s probably busy.

It’s a tiny room, it’s almost completely filled by my bed only. The walls are white and the floor light blue. There’s a nightstand next to my bed, there are some bottles of pills standing just out of my reach.

There’s a knock on the door.

_Please, let it be the beautiful girl!_

“C-come in!” I say with a loud voice.

The door opens and an older man with black hair walks in. He’s wearing a white doctor’s coat and there’s a stet scope around his neck. He sticks out his hand to me and says, “Good afternoon.” I shake his hand. “I’m Marco Brown.”

I smile at him and greet him with a “good afternoon” as well.

“So, I’ve heard that you don’t really remember much.” I nod. “Do you know your name?”

I hesitate when I say, “Finch?”

“Yes,” Marco Brown writes it down on a piece of paper. “That’s your surname, yes. Do you remember your first name as well?”

_Why is he asking this?_

I think far back, to this morning when the girl came in. She said my name, I know it.

_What was it?_

“Th-Theodore?” I say after a while, I was almost sure about the surname, but I honestly doubting this is my first name.

“Yes, good job,” he says. “Did you remember the girl who was with you all the time? Do you know who she is?”

I shrug and after a while I shake my head. “I-I don’t know. She s-s-seemed familiar… but I-I’m not s-sure.”

Marco writes it down as well and he frowns when he looks up at me. “Her name is Violet Markey.” He pauses. “She’s your girlfriend.”

_I have a girlfriend?_

“G-girlf-friend?” I stammer. “H-how come I-I don’t remember h-h-her?”

Marco looks down at his paper and takes a deep breath. “How do I say this.” He mumbles and I’m getting anxious because of the look on his face. “Theodore, you incurred quite severe brain damage because of nearly drowning.”

I stare at the wall.

_Brain damage? Nearly drowning?_ The words fly through my head and I start to cry.

“Why? H-how? Wh-when?” I mumble.

“You don’t know what happened?”

I shake my head. “I-I want to know-w.”

“We were called, about two months ago, that there was a dead body floating in the Blue Hole,” Marco explains. “When we got there the body seemed to be alive. That was you, Theodore.”

The tears run over my cheeks. _How did I get there?_

“We performed CPR on you and took you straight to the hospital. Where you’ve been in a coma for a couple of days.” I shake my head; _This cannot be true!_ “We were told, by your family, that you have bipolar disorder and depression. According to your sister you’d been experiencing suicidal thoughts for a few years now.”

_Does this mean…_ I fold my trembling hands in front of my mouth. _No, I would never try to take my own life!_

“After a few days of coma, you kind of woke up, but not completely,” he says.

“I-I remember s-some of th-that,” I say in between sobs.

“That’s good news,” Marco says.

“W-why?” I want to know, because nothing of this sounds like “good news” to me.

“It means you were aware of what was happening.”

I nod. “Sometimes, n-not all the t-time.”

We’re both quiet for a while and I take the time to realize what’s happening. According to this random doctor I suffered from disorders, but I didn’t know. I apparently tried to take my own life while I had the nicest and most beautiful girlfriend someone can have. I don’t get it.

“Before I go.” Marco’s loud voice interrupts the silence. “I’d like to test some things to see how you’re doing and I know what treatment would work the best. Is that okay with you?”

I nod.

Marco lets me do all kinds of things afterwards.

Some things are easy, like understanding what he’s saying, naming objects and stuff like that.

Some things are a tiny bit harder, like talking smoothly, – I hate that I stammer all the time – keeping my hands in front of me without shaking, reading and writing.

Marco also asked me how controlling my emotions and bladder are going, which both are going pretty bad.

The things that went really badly were walking and keeping my balance. But the worst are the personality changes and my memory loss, I barely remember anything of what happened in my life before the accident.

Apparently I’ve recovered amazingly for a person with such severe brain damage. Marco says that he thought it would be permanently when I was still in the PVS.

He leaves after about an hour of tests.

I’m exhausted.

So I fall asleep immediately afterwards.


	10. Different...

**Violet**

_June 18_

It’s the next morning and I haven’t slept at all yesterday. I’ve been nervous for today, like I’ve never been nervous for anything.

Before I leave the hotel in the morning, I’m called by Brenda Shank-Kravitz. She heard the news and wanted to wish me luck. I think that’s nice of her. I tell her that I’ll go back to school as soon as Finch’s is back home again.

After Brenda Shank-Kravitz’s call I go to the hospital. I arrive after a jog of a few minutes and get guided to Finch’s new room by one of the nurses.

Brown isn’t in the room yet, but of course Finch himself is lying in his bed. He smiles when I come inside.

I look away, trying to keep in my emotions.

I’m frightened of him, if I’m honest. It’s such a change from the Finch I know – I knew.

“I th-thought I was n-never going to s-s-see you again-n,” he stammers, followed by an awkward laugh. “V-Violet Ma-Markey.”

_He knows my name? But how?_

“Brown told you my name, didn’t he?” I don’t know what I’m hoping for; do I want him to say “yes” or “no”.

Finch looks away and I can see that he almost starts crying when he says, “Yes, M-Marco Brown-n told me.” I almost want to kiss him, tell him he doesn’t have to cry about not remembering me. It is my fault after all.

But I just sit down and stare at my lap.

“I’m s-sorry,” he says and I hear that he’s genuinely sorry about it.

I look up, shake away my bad emotions. “No, it doesn’t matter,” I say, trying to sound cheerful. “It’s not like it’s your fault.” I smile… somehow even I don’t know if it’s a fake or a real smile.

“S-so,” Finch mumbles. “H-have I always s-s-stammered?”

I shake my head, knowing that it’s probably because of the lack of oxygen. “No, you haven’t.” I remember Finch’s smooth flirting, he never said anything wrong. He never stuttered, not even when he was overflood with emotions.

I notice Finch’s staring at me.

“Y-you look s-s-sad.”

I must’ve let my emotions show. So I shake my head, ignoring what he says.

I gasp when I feel a hand weakly wrapping itself around mine. I look up at Finch and stare right into his blue eyes. “You d-don’t h-h-have to be s-sad,” he says and a lopsided smile appears on his face. “I-I’m here with y-you, V-Violet.”

My mouth opens.

“Those…” I pause and swallow. “Are that my words?”

Finch nods. He seems proud of himself, honestly.

_Does he remember me when I held his hand all the time? Does he remember me when I said that to him when he was groaning and screaming?_ I wonder.

When he carefully let’s go of my hand after a while, I shake my head. “Please, don’t let go.”

His eyes find mine and he says, “Okay.” After that he holds my hand, and I hold his.

We sit in silence, holding hands, until Brown walks into the room with Finch’s family. For the first time since weeks Finch’s father has also joined Finch’s mother. Kate isn’t here and Decca isn’t here either. Miss Finch probably doesn’t want Decca to hear every detail about Theodore’s change, Kate’s probably with her.

Finch turns to me and whispers, “Are t-those people m-my f-f-family?” He sounds scared, but wouldn’t know why.

“Yes.”

“Sh-shit.” I don’t think I’ve heard Finch this nervous. Maybe he remembers his father? I recall Finch telling me that his father isn’t the most amazing person. Or maybe he’s just nervous for their reaction.

When all the Finch-es have finally taken a seat, Brown starts talking, “Before I start I have to tell you all something.” He’s looking at Finch’s parents, not at me. Would it be something I already know. “The personality of your son seems to have changed a little, at least according to Miss Markey.”

I nod once, I didn’t know that Brown hadn’t told Finch’s family yet. I look at his parents, but they’ve got more a relieved reaction. _Are they glad? Was Finch such an ass-hole at home?_

Finch’s father looks at us, first at Finch, then at me and then at our hands which are still holding each other tightly.

“So, we’ve ran some tests yesterday,” Brown begins. “Do you remember that, Theodore?”

Finch nods and replies with a stammering, “Y-yes, I-I do.”

“Well, I have the results here.” Brown holds up the same beige file as last time. “Let’s begin with the good news, okay?”

No one replies, I guess we’re all tense for the test results.

“Theodore has recovered amazingly, what I at first thought was a severe damage to the brain seems to have healed up a lot. He understands the language, he can name almost every object and of course the most impressive thing is that he’s awake, aware of what’s happening and that he can talk. All things I never thought he would ever be able to again.”

I glance at Finch, who’s listening in all concentration.

“But.” Brown’s face turns more serious. “We’ve discovered that the control over his bladder and bowel movement is mostly gone, just like the control over his emotions. The emotions we can’t do much about medically. We’ll have to place a colostomy bag if the bowel movement control doesn’t improve, until then you’ll have to go to the toilet a little more often.”

Finch silently sniggers, but no one else finds it funny. I think he’s just wondering how he needs to go to the toilet if he’s stuck in his bed all the time.

“Further there’s a bit of a stammer problem, which we’ll try to improve with speech therapy, but I can’t assure you we’ll get rid of it completely. I also do see a lot of shaking in the hands and light spasm from time to time. Writing and reading proofs to be a lot harder than talking, so I suggest you’ll go in therapy for that as well.” Brown pauses for a moment to take a look at the file. “Something I’m a little more worried about is balance and walking. We tried it together yesterday, right Theodore.” Finch nods. “And I saw that there’s no balance. His muscles have weakened a lot as well, mostly in the legs, but also pretty badly in the arms as well. We can try physiotherapy, but I’m afraid that you’ll never walk without problems again. We’ll have to make sure to get you a wheelchair to get around a little more easily.”

I look at Finch, whose face is full over fear. I can get that. It’s not every day you hear you’ll probably never walk again.

He’s trying to hold in his tears – I can see it in his eyes – but they’re already running over his cheeks. When I look at Finch’s parents I see anger on his father’s face and his mother is crying.

Brown continues. “There’s one last thing, and that’s what I’m most worried about.” I look up and think to myself _Memory loss._ “Theodore is suffering from Retrograde Amnesia. This basically means he’s got little to no access to his memories from before the injury.”

Finch’s mother makes a high-pitched sound, followed by crying. I feel Finch’s grip around my hand tighten a little and when I look at him I see he’s staring at his mother, crying at the same time.

“I’m afraid we’ll have to deal with his amnesia, because I can give no assurance for improvement on that.” Brown pauses, and closes the file. “That was all. Miss and Mister Finch, we’ll leave you alone with your son now.”

He looks at me and mouths that I should leave them alone. I get up from my seat, ready to walk away. But Finch doesn’t let go of my hand. Even though his grip is weak, I can still tell he doesn’t want to let go.

I turn around and see that Finch is crying really badly. “P-please, V-Violet,” he whispers in between the sobs. “D-don’t l-l-leave.”

I glance at Finch’s parents, then back at Finch again. “I have to go, I’ll be back in moment, okay?”

Finch sniffles, no clear reply. I lean towards him and press a kiss on his cheek. Before I back up, I whisper, “You can do this.”

Finch slowly and carefully lets go of my hand and I leave the room.

* * *

I don’t go to the waiting room while Finch’s parents are with him. Somewhere deep inside I’ve got the feeling that this isn’t going to go well.

I lean against the wall, the door to Finch’s room on the other side of the hallway. It doesn’t take long until my feeling gets assured.

There’s angry yelling of two people, followed by a loud shriek and a hard bang. Before I can react, the door swings open and mister Finch angrily walks out. His back is turned towards me and I can’t see what going on inside of the room because he’s blocking it with his body. “You! You are _not_ my son!” he yells. “You’re a disgrace for the family.”

I gasp, _no one should ever say that to their son!_

Finch’s father notices me now, he turns around and pushes me against the wall. His finger is pointing at my face. He’s intimidating, very tall just like Theodore. “You have done this to him, haven’t you!” I look away, ignoring the voice in my head which is yelling “Yes!”. “You’ve made him do this to himself!”

Mister Finch’s face is flushed red and I can see pure anger in his eyes. He’s squeezing my shoulder and it hurts, but I don’t say anything, I don’t try to get away.

“L-leave h-h-her alone!” I hear Finch’s voice shrieking. “I-I’ll kill y-you if y-you h-h-hurt h-her!”

Finch’s father turns around and I get a glimpse of what’s going on in the room. Finch is lying on the floor like a wet rag, weak. He’s trying to get up, but he’s not strong enough. His cheeks are red and there’s a big purple spot developing around his left eye.

Finch’s father sounds furiously when he asks, “You’ll do what?”

“I-I’ll kill y-you!” Finch yells and I can clearly hear that he means it. “Keep y-your na-nasty h-h-hands off my g-girlfriend!”

I feel mister Finch’s grip loosen up. I wonder if it could be because of what Finch said, but that’s not what’s going on. There’s a nurse standing in the hallway. Open mouth and a disgusted look on her face. “Sir!” she yells. “I have to ask you to leave.”

Finch’s father hasn’t got any other choice, so he let’s go of me. He looks at Finch one more time and leaves.

I run into the room. Finch is lying on the floor. His blanket lying on the ground as well a little bit further into the room. Finch’s mother is standing aside, crying.

I kneel down next to Finch and help him sit up right. “Are you okay? Are… are you in any pain?” I ask and I’m starting to panic. What if he hit his head, or he broke something. That black eye can’t mean any good.

“I-I’m okay,” he says, he sounds exhausted and he looks tired too. There are big circles under his eyes, like he hasn’t slept this night. “A-are y-you okay? H-has he h-h-hurt you?”

“I’m fine, but look at you!” I say. “We need to get you back in bed and a cool pack for your eye. Has he hit you? What a dick!”

Finch grabs my hand, our eyes meet and he whispers, “I-I’m okay, really.”


	11. The Past

**Finch**

_Day 3 of the “Awake-Awake”_

My head hurts from what happened yesterday. I didn’t remember much about my past, but my father was one of the memories that I kept with me.

I can’t believe he tried to hurt Violet. If he ever lays a finger on her I’ll kill him. I just have to get stronger.

I groan while I try to keep my body standing. My arms holding me up, but my hands are starting to slide off the railings. I take a step, but it’s hard. It takes a lot of force to move my body over an inch.

“Good job,” the physiotherapist says. “You’re doing great, Theodore.”

Sweat runs over my head while I try to take another step. A painful shock moves through my arm and I slide away. I fall onto the ground with a loud thud.

I immediately feel hands on my shoulder. “You’ve done great today, let’s try this again tomorrow, okay?”

I nod, wiping the sweat from my forehead.

Afterwards the physiotherapist – whose name is Cheryl – helps me back in my wheelchair. She takes me to Violet, who’s apparently been watching me training my leg’s muscles.

I smile.

She smiles back. Her smile is nice, just like she is. She’s genuinely gorgeous and I completely get why I fell for her.

“You were doing great, Theodore,” she says and she takes over the wheelchair from Cheryl. We walk back to my room, her feet tapping on the ground as she walks.

“C-can I ask y-you a q-question?” I ask when we’re in the elevator.

“Sure.”

“H-how did we m-meet?” I just need to know, I need to know when, why and how I met this perfect girl.

“It’s kind of a long story.” She sounds unsure about telling me. I wonder if we immediately liked each other, or maybe we hated each other.

“I-I like long s-stories.”

“Ehm, okay.” She takes a deep breath. “We met on the ledge of the school’s bell tower. I believe you were thinking of jumping, and I was too. You’ve talked me off the ledge, kept me from jumping.”

That’s not what I expected, why on earth would we want to do that?

“W-why did y-you want to jump?”

“My sister, Eleanor, died in a car crash,” she says.

“I-I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be.” She sadly chuckles before saying, “You taught me what living really is like. We wandered together, you showed me to see the beauty in the world.”

“W-wandered?”

“Yeah, we went to places,” she explains. “At first for a school project, but eventually I wasn’t doing it for that anymore. I’d fell in love with you, Theodore Finch.”

It’s almost the most perfect love story I’ve ever heard. Wandering sounds great, she sounds great. “We s-should w-wander together s-sometimes.”

She stops walking for a second and I hear doubt in her voice when she says, “Yes, we still have to finish the school project anyway.”

I look down at my lap while she continues walking. We finally arrive in my room.

Violet stands in front of me and I can immediately tell that she’s sad.

“Y-You fell in love with who I-I used to be, right?” I ask.

“No…” She hesitates. “Yes.”

I nod. “I-I’m sorry,” I whisper and I already feel tears running over my cheeks. Those stupid emotions, why can’t I just hide them! “I-It’s my o-own s-stupid fault.”

Violet looks away and I see that she’s crying as well. “It’s not your fault.” She shakes her head and sobs. “It’s my fault! I started a fight with you, I should’ve been more careful with what I said back then. It’s my fault.”

A lump appears in my throat. _We fought before I did this to myself?_ She blames herself for this. _And she’s still been with me all this time?_

I cry and in between the sobs I say, “It’s m-my fault, n-not y-yours.”

She looks up and wipes away a tear. She’s just close enough for me to be able to take her hand. She stares at my hand and I feel she’s holding mine too, carefully squeezing it as a sob escapes from her mouth.

“I-I’m sorry f-for doing th-this,” I whisper. “I-I’m f-fucked up and that’s m-my fault, not y-yours.”

Her eyes stare into mine and her mouth opens a little bit. No sound comes out.

“I-I feel l-like I s-still love y-you,” I admit after hesitating. “A-and I get it if y-you don’t.”

She looks away, I don’t think she’s still in love with me. I think she’s terrified of me.

“B-but give me o-one more ch-chance. S-show me w-what living r-really feels l-like.” I beg her. “P-please, Violet.”

She looks at me, and after a short while she nods lightly.

“Okay.”


	12. "Just Finch"

**Violet**

_The last wandering_

Over a month went by. It took me some time to get used to this version of Finch.

He’s different, but still the same kind of quirky. He’s nice and aside from his stammering he’s a smooth flirter. He’s hopeful and he honestly gave me hope again as well.

It’s kind of like I’m falling in love again, but this time with one of Finch’s personas.

I thought of names for the persona, like “Emotional Finch”, “Flirty Finch” and “Quirky Finch”. But eventually I just landed on “Theodore Finch”, no weird names, no different personas every once in a while.

Just Finch, Theodore Finch.

Finch has been released from the hospital about a week ago, so on day two of his freedom I decided it was time that we’d wander again. Within one week we wandered to Milltown for the shoe tree. On day three we went to see The World’s Biggest Ball of Paint. Day four and five were for visiting The Pendleton Pike Dive-in and Our Lady of Mount Carmel Monastery.

To my surprise it was amazing wandering with Finch, just as amazing as it used to be.

Of course, it’s different, but it’s the same.

But the most amazing was that at every spot Finch left some message for me. Before he decided to drown himself he wandered, he left one message for me at every wander spot.

It made me sad and happy at the same time.

I would’ve seen them anyway, but lucky for me Finch was with me to see them.

It was lovely.

Today we’re visiting the very last spot.

I found out that the random messages Finch was sending me in the past were refer to the places he has been wandering to for all that time.

I push Finch and his wheelchair while I wonder where we should go. We’re in Farmersburg, just fifteen miles away from the Blue Hole. It’s a small place, and I’m almost sure we didn’t choose it together, back then.

“ _A lake. A prayer. It’s so lovely to be lovely in Private_ ,” I quote Finch’s message. “Do you know what you meant?”

Finch shrugs. “A c-church maybe?”

I nod. “I think so too.”

We decide to ask around for churches and eventually get to the Emmanuel Baptist Church. We walk all the way there, past the highway. There it is, a smaller church, a lake close to it.

“I-is this the p-place, why a ch-church?” Finch asks, sometimes I forget we both barely know the Finch who chose this place.

I shrug. “I don’t know. But this can’t be the place.”

It’s not lovely at all, Finch couldn’t have wanted me to see this.

“Y-yeah, but wh-where do we need t-to go o-otherwise?”

I shrug again, but keep walking. I push him up Private Road and eventually Finch points out a sign with: **Taylor Prayer Chapel.**

There’s a lake really close to it.

“This must be it,” I say and we go inside. It’s quiet inside, empty.

“W-what now?”

I shrug. It’s a nice place I guess. Tiny, but nice. Big windows all over the place and a big information block printed onto the wall.

I walk closer, it’s the history of the church.

“Taylor Prayer Chapel was created as sanctuary for weary travelers to stop and rest along their way.” I start reading the history out loud and after reading it completely I realize why Finch picked out this place for a last wander.

“You chose this for Eleanor.” I look at Finch and smile sadly.

Finch adds, “And for y-you.”

I look down, there’s a bible and something is sticking out of it.

“What’s this?” I mumble while I turn around the page.

Finch leans forwards and reads an underlined sentence. “ _Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky,”_ Finch quotes the sentence. He looks behind himself, at me, a smile on his face.

I smile back.

I take a look at the envelope and read “Ultraviolet Remarkey-able”. It’s meant for me, but I hand it over to Finch.

“I want you to open it,” I say, my hands shaking.

All of these offerings he left behind mean Finch was actually sure that he wouldn’t be with me now. It’s crazy. Because Finch is with me now.

Finch carefully opens the envelope and takes out three sheets of thick staff paper. One of them is covered in musical notes.

“Y-you said I played g-guitar, right?”

“Yes,” I answer.

“I-I think I w-wrote y-you a song.” He turns around to look at me, a sad smile on his face.

“That would be nice of you.”

He folds open the papers and starts reading.

“You make me happy, whenever you’re around I’m safe inside your smile...” No stammering at all, he really wants to make this lovely for me. “… You make me handsome, whenever I feel my nose just seems a bit to round. You make me special, and God knows I’ve longed to be that kind of guy to have around. You make me love you, and that could be the greatest thing my heart was ever fit to do…” I start crying. This is beautiful. I hear in Finch’s voice that he’s crying to. “…You make me lovely, and it’s so lovely to be lovely to the one I love.”

I sob and hug Finch from the back. I feel his hand holding mine, I hold his. “That was lovely,” I cry. “You’re lovely.”

Finch is with me, his warm hands holding mine. His blue eyes comforting me.

I can’t imagine standing here alone.

But I’m not alone.

Finch is with me.

The happy, handsome, special Finch.

The Finch I love.

And it’s lovely.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, lovelies <3
> 
> This was the last chapter of my ATBP fanfiction, I hope you liked it :)  
> Thank you so much for reading it!!!
> 
> \- Love, Noa <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> I hope you're liking it so far :)  
> If you feel like it, why don't you leave me some feedback in the comments? A writer should always be able to improve their work, don't you think?   
> Let me know what you do like so far, and what you don't. Let me know if I made any mistakes, I can use your help.   
> It'd be lovely if you do that <3
> 
> Also, don't be scared that I won't post the entire story.   
> I've already finished it, so every sunday and thursday there WILL be a new chapter :)
> 
> What did you think of the book?  
> Oh yeah, are you also looking foreward to the All The Bright Places movie? It's almost here!
> 
> If you're dealing with any problems (Depression, Suicidal thoughts, Anxiety, etc.) yourself, you can always reach out to me. I'm here for you <3
> 
> Love, ImmediatelyWriting (Noa)


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